Sin Boldly
by Thyme In Her Eyes
Summary: [X3] Another look at the Medlab scene. Jean embraces both Logan and her Phoenix persona... [Jean x Logan]


Sin Boldly

by Thyme In Her Eyes

_Author's Note:_ Just to disclaim, I don't own the rights to the characters and am just having harmless and non-profitable fun with them. This is basically just a short piece about Jean's state of mind as Phoenix (which I think justifies the weirdness of the tense and perspective used) during the Medlab scene. All feedback is appreciated. Enjoy!

-- SIN BOLDLY --

'_Her revenge, her revenge / __Rising'_

-- Paula Cole (Our Revenge).

x-x-x

Abandon yourself. Nothing can stop this now, there's no need to hold on so fiercely. You mustn't fear this. This is _you_.

Disguise nothing. Hide nothing. Just be. Be everything – everything you've wanted and feared all this time. Take what you need, what you desire. Take it without regret. Feel only the joy and freedom it brings. Such boundless pleasure. Such horrifying isolation.

You've already lost control and you know it. A part of you feels it, though you can't understand it yet, can't grasp it, could never _cope_ with it if you learned what you've already done. What you've destroyed.

The smaller parts of you, the frail and flimsy pieces, the bars of your cage – they're afraid of this. But they aren't you. You are power, and nothing else. You are the cleansing fire. The false and damaged parts, the parts constrained and fooled and lied to, fear the real you, glorious and free. Because of what you did. How you obeyed your nature, how you forgot everything that used to be so important, how blindingly good it felt to let all restraint slide away...and how you'll do it again.

For all your power, you can't undo your actions. You can't restore what – _who_ – you destroyed. You don't want to hurt them, but you will. So lose all remorse, all pity, all morality. Deny everything that's false. Annihilate it, just because you can. It's only holding you back, stopping you from reaching fullest, greatest potential. Burn away everything that restrains you, and refuse to be contained a minute longer. Drive yourself mad before consenting to become the thing you evolved from once more. Tear apart everything you know and love if you have to, and shed tears over the ecstasy it brings you.

If to be as you are means to unmake the world you once knew, then accept it and enjoy it. You already know you will. Nothing could ever compare to this. Unleash yourself. Feel more alive than you ever have.

Look at him. See how he wants you. See how he tries to reign it in, tempers wild desire with respect, concern...and love, too. Reel from the hunger his passion sparks deep inside you and writhe in your mind from what you feel in his thoughts. Understand hopelessly how every passing second in which he doesn't act on his body's wants, and when all he needs to say goes unspoken, stretches your pleasure further and further. You're anticipating this, you can't wait. You have no idea why you waited so long any more. It's going to be _so good_ at long last and you're just teasing now. Counting the seconds. Everything except _him _and the music of hunger and desire and primal want soaring in you ceases to matter, or even exist. As well it should. But you need more. You will always need more and he'd give you anything you needed, and you know it, too. Take advantage of it and forget affection and compassion.

You've spent so long running away from this confrontation, from yourself, and from this moment of truth, of exposure, and it doesn't make sense why you could ever have responded in such a way. Not when this moment, when finally reached, sends pleasure licking through you. You can't imagine anything holding you back now, not when you're so close and it's just so _easy_. You want to force him to crumble before you, and you ache to stretch such noble self-control to breaking point. And why not? Why not do it?

See how much he wants you. How much you want him back, how you've always wanted him. You've always wanted to be here. You've always wanted this to happen. So embrace it and learn how much you like this.

_Touch him, taste him…_ Hurt him. Take all that raw animal energy and drain him dry of it, burn him from the inside out. Burn the whole world along with the two of you. Never have enough.

You've already lost control, but now you're free to just let go.

You aren't afraid, not any more. Admit what you've always wanted and take it at last. Welcome it. Consume it. Love it, relish it, and lose yourself in this fire. Forget why you ever tried to stop this from happening.

You can't be weak any longer. He can't hurt you if you don't let him. No-one can control you or force you to revert to the pitiful thing you used to be. This is your gift and birthright. Kill them all before allowing them to tame you.

Forget love, affection, connection. You will never reach them. They will never be like you, or understand you. You will never be accepted as you are. Not a single one wants your true self. Each one wants to cage you in their own way. They will all turn their backs on you by the end, and fall from your sight. They will leave you behind, cold and terrified, as they did before. They will all abandon you.

All you have left is yourself. Your power. Your thirst. Always.

Don't be who you used to. Don't let yourself twist and burn in quiet and private agony any more. Burn everything else; punish and cleanse. Raze it all down and start anew. _Rise_. Don't play with fire when you can be the flame. _Rise_. Start with the kiss you forbade yourself from giving for far, far too long.

Sin boldly. Why go to hell for petty crimes?

Why, when you can take the whole world with you?

-- FIN --


End file.
